Apology

This character still reminded me of her.

It was a white cat with blue ears, a lovely, sunny little cat.

She used to like it so much that her image almost merged with the cat. I left the window and started walking. The cat stayed in the same spot, surrounded by a couple of customers soon. 

Too atrocious. Not only did her image appear due to the cat character, but also her perfume. I guessed I’d passed by the brand she loved without intention. 

I knew her too well. It was heartwarming at the beginning; however, for now, it is heartbreaking. 

That was a significant fight between us.

 

*

 

A sudden beeping sound broke through the silence. The famed cat character doll rolled out of Christine’s embrace. She rubbed her eyes, searching for her phone beside the pillow. She turned on the screen; the strong light forced her to squint.

 

“Heyyyy

U haven’t replied to me for two days

Just wanna check if u’ve borrowed the camera” 

 

“Sorryyyy

Um…the friend who said can lend me the camera 

She regretted so

Guess perhaps we should give up lol”

 

Christine sighed. Not again. She bit her fingers; the nail paintings on them were ruined. 

 

“I thought u could tell me earlier and maybe we could find solutions or sth”

 

“Ahhhhh sorry”

 

“Icl I don’t wanna quit

 But u can if u want”

 

“……”

 

“?”

 

“I won’t

Anddddd tbh I feel hurt

I didn’t mean to do this”

 

“Apologise

I’m not blaming u”

 

A fire of overwhelming anger rose from her heart. Christine inhaled and exhaled deeply again and again. The fire was finally extinguished. Being friends with Carol at the university for four years, the meaning of attending this film competition was not only winning the prize but also creating final memories before both of them graduated.

Nevertheless, she wasn’t sure if they could be friends anymore.

Carol changed a lot this year. After she dated Kevin, all her attention focused on him. It wasn’t the thing that Christine wanted her to choose between them, but the competition was different. She could tolerate Carol replying only to her boyfriend in time, but the contest was distinct. Was she the only person who cared about their final memory and the prize? She couldn’t help thinking this way.

 

“I’ve found sb that we can rent the camera from!! xxx”

 

“Greattt”

 

“Start filming next week?”

 

“Ummmmmm

Ngl Idk how to use the camera lol”

 

“? l thought u said u could”

 

“I mean

I can try…”

 

“So now I’m the playwright and the actress and the director?”

 

“Sorry lol

I can do editing but Kevin will come back next month so

Can’t do it too long”

 

“Fair”

 

The result was that the short film edited by Carol was nothing but shit. 

No background music, rhythm between scenes was totally different from the script, and important lines were missing.

Christine could hold herself no more. The anger erupted as a volcano, burning all her reason and temper, ruining the last love remaining in their friendship. She sat on the bed, lying on the cat doll, her finger hanging in the air above the keyboard.

 

“I’m sorry to say what u had edited was a shit”

 

“Noooo u r right

I can’t reach ur standards, never and ever”

 

Christine threw the phone on the pillow. “BULLSUIT,” she growled softly. She could feel some hot water brimming within her orbit, tracing a path down her cheeks. She hugged the cat doll so tightly.

She had never told Carol the reason why she liked the cat. That was an anime they watched together. At the end of every episode, the cat always said to its friend, “I am reluctant to let you go home, but I know we can see each other tomorrow.” She thought she didn’t need to say it directly. She thought Carol would know how imperative she was to her. She thought Carol would understand; the way she treated her best friends was to give them her heart with both her hands.

Whatever, she finished the whole season alone, while Carol watched the rest of them with Kevin. Perhaps in that moment, Christine eventually accepted—even if she knew Carol wouldn’t come back, she should let her go, no matter how reluctant she was.

After all, neither of them was that fantastic cat character.

 

*

 

I moved out of our dormitory without telling her after the conflict.

She didn’t message me after that. Her smile was as impeccable as usual. Did it mean that she didn’t care about our friendship enough? Maybe. I didn’t even know whether I expected her to be wretched or not.

Honestly, in our friendship, the more I knew her, the more I despised myself. Her ray was too shiny to get close. I tried to follow her path, but it didn’t work. I always looked so dumb beside her.

I did feel sorry for our contest, but I just didn’t think I needed to apologise at that point. Balancing time between boyfriend and her was never a simple thing to do. I finished my work like I promised. The fact was, she would never be satisfied, no matter how hard I worked. She was too outstanding. Her standards were too high to achieve. Thus, I gave up. Indeed, that hurt, especially when I saw her acting like she wasn’t impacted by me at all. That sucks.

I couldn’t deny it was my fault for unsuccessfully dealing with the camera thing. Yet, could an apology resolve every scar in a relationship? The words she said weren’t driven by ire — they revealed her contempt for me. Her apology failed to make me feel better, so what was the meaning of the apology?

I missed her a lot, that was true, but our friendship was too toxic to continue.

I knew Christine was trying to patch up our friendship. However, the harder she tried, the more I wanted to escape. It wasn’t because I was afraid of remedying it. It was her energy that terrified me. She was straightforward, willing to solve issues between us as long as I apologised. I guessed that was what they called mature.

This kind of maturity prevented me from getting close to her again to some degree. What if I can’t fit her standard even though I’d been doing my best? What if she found out I was totally opposite to her imagination? What if similar things happened again in the future, and… I was the one who was abandoned?

Diptyque’s Philosykos.

This was her favourite perfume. I spray it on a fragrance blotter, acting tranquil and customary to thwart the clerk walking toward me.

I am wondering if she knew the meaning of figs. On account of flowers hiding inside the fruit, figs are considered a symbol of unspoken love. Wearing a fragrance made by Philosykos, did she also hide her love inside her assertive appearance?

I’ll never know the answer — just as she never understood the pressure, the struggles, the insecurity I felt standing next to her. It was my own issue, yes, to compare myself to her. Nevertheless, I could do little about that. It was human nature, wasn’t it? I escaped from her as a result, but was that all my fault? If she cared about me as much as she said, wouldn’t she have noticed my emotions earlier?

As I squatted down, trembling violently enough to attract almost all the customers and the clerk’s attention, I finally realise I am crying my heart out.

Rushing to buy the fragrance because of embarrassment, I leave the perfume brand as soon as possible.

I moved to another city after graduating to forget Christine. Somehow, this city keeps forcing me to rethink our interactions and memories. I do miss her, miss the days we were still friends, I admit.

Nothing was as dreadful as this.

I thought if I had left first, I would not be abandoned.

But in the end, I was the one who stayed in the same place, furtively hoping she would come back.

 

*

 

Sometimes Christine wondered if her memory and Carol’s were different.

Staring at the empty dormitory, it seemed like she had screwed up everything, Christine thought. She did try to maintain their friendship. She did apologise although that wasn’t all her fault. She did……

Stop. She said to herself. Stop thinking about Carol and trying to find any excuses.

She could see the spotlight on Carol; she was independent, accountable, candid and genuine. Whereas being through all this, she wasn’t sure she knew Carol anymore.

How come she had no intention of apologising?

How come she expressed how much she cherished their friendship while leaving without a word?

Christine thought of her conversation with AI. The majority of the content was related to her argument with Carol. She copied and pasted their dialogue to the prompt, demanding that AI figure out who was responsible for the break of their friendship. Every time and every AI stood on her side. It wasn’t surprising to her. But why? If the answer was so obvious, why didn’t she at least say something?

Was she too obtuse to discover the real characteristics underneath people? Was Carol pretending to be another person all the time? Most critically, would she be tricked again by one of her close friends?

Christine couldn’t stop analysing these things. Carol’s impact on her was much more significant than she thought; she knew.

Wiping her tears, Christine turned back against the empty bed. 

The reality was, even though they’d been friends for four years, they were still strangers wearing masks to face each other. It was a pity; the sentence flashed through Christine’s mind. You would never really know someone until you encounter obstacles.

She was too domineering in Carol’s viewpoint. The accusations that she was trying to manipulate Carol—blaming and criticising her—did make her doubt herself for a while. Indeed, she thought. Perhaps even if Carol did apologise, there was little chance for them to be friends anymore.

So this was the best ending.

“Although our memories were dissimilar, it was the best arrangement for both of us to move on.” She whispered.

In the mirror, a pair of enchanting, big eyes appeared in the reflection. Eyeshadow and eyeliner helped her cover the puffy, red eyes. She put on her lipstick, finally completed her makeup. Light shone deep from her pupils when she sprayed perfume on her neck. Diptyque’s Philosykos, the tacit love. She treated every friend with her whole heart, but she would never chase after anyone when they left.